Sunday, 29 March 2015

Saying goodbye again

Is it harder to say goodbye to someone you know you'll never see again? 

A friend of mine, who just went back to France explained to me before he left that, in his opinion, it was less painful to say goodbye to someone he knew he would meet again at some point in the future. And it was harder to say goodbye to someone he would probably never see again. Why? Because when you say goodbye to that person, you know it's the LAST time you see them. Ever. And that's what makes it more emotional.

I have only known him for a few months, but he has become a good friend, so watching him go was definitely painful. I really hope our paths will cross again, so I think his theory is bullshit (no offence man, but it is). I can understand where he comes from, but when you hope to see someone again, and you don't know when it will happen, it's heartbreaking.  At the moment, I feel like I'm back in time, when I had to let good friends go back home and I was staying here. This is the reason why, a long time ago,  I decided to stop making friends with people I knew were not going to stay. It's too damn hard to deal with. I should have known better, but sometimes you don't realise how close you got to someone until it's too late. I like to think I'm a sociable person by nature, so it would be hard as well to get too detached, but this experience has to be a lesson in some way. 

As I said before, I don't want to invest too much in a friendship with people who will not stay here. Psychologically, it's quite damaging as well, because constantly seeing people come and go (which will definitely happen in my job) makes me feel like I'm stuck in my own life and not moving on. But moving on from what, I don't know.

Maybe it's the slow realisation that I have made my life in Ireland and I'm not going anywhere else. It's not a bad thing though, I love this country, I have a great quality of life and met wonderful people over the years, but I don't know, it's like something is missing and I can't really pinpoint what it is. 

Seeing all those younger people experiencing life in different countries, partying, having a good time also makes me realise I'm not in my twenties any more. And trust me, the state of my head after a night out with them definitely reminds me I'm not able for this shit anymore. Having said that, I'm not gonna lie in saying they make me feel younger and for an evening I can forget I'm 34 with 2 kids and a mortgage! After all, age is only a number, right? Being young at heart is the most important.

So what do I do now? The nature of my job is to work alongside French students who will only stay for about 6 months. I'm pretty sure I'll be closer to some than others, and I know I won't keep in touch with all of them, but no matter what happens, I will have to say goodbye. Over and Over. 

And the thought of it just breaks my heart.